just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.