My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
Cake is only good when you eat it
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.