This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
