I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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