did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
