We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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