Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
