You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
