the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
