Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
