I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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