So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
