im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
