I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
