He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
