Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
