god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
