i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
