it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
