Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
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I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
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Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
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