Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Who died my cat blue again?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
