i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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