If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Randomize
