tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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