I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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