He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
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well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
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Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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