the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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