So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
don't judge my taste in strippers
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
