sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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