Your face is a jimmy john
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
