she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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