We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
