Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
