Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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