The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Found the puke drawer
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
