i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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