omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
