Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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