On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I don't think brook has ever known best
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
