woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
