So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
