@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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