so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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