Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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