I didn't shave. On purpose
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
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she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
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My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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