So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
