Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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