mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
