I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
