woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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