Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
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So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
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Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.