I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Drake has all the answers
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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