Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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