JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
