oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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