I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
